What did I did

19 years, 9months and 21days of living a life.

I was once a person who clear like a plastic bag.

Direct, straightforward, expressive, ambitious..

Until the friction of life turn me into a paper.

A paper plane without direction, a paper car that don't know how to move.

Living a life of pleasing people, living up to other's expectation.

Without other's confirmation, or a nod, I couldn't proceed with what I had.

Just because of....

Don't want to loss any friend, I have to put time to interact with them, laugh at topic that I'm totally out of.

Don't want to get scold by music teacher, I continued to play all the songs that I hate.

Don't want to get my family worry, I have to hide all my feelings and hurts I get from outside.

To make people in my life stay with me, I chose to live my life up to their expectation.

To make everyone accept me, I changed myself too much, until I lost myself.

I wear a lot of masks, until I forgotten who am I.

I dare not chase my dream,

I dare not perform myself,

I dare not trust myself.

After 19 years of living, after my brain, my heart and my body stayed together for so long..

They don't even believe each other. Haha.

They (I) choose to trust outsider, but not themselves (myself). Why?

Where I lost myself?

There are too many masks, and I can't find my original face..

If there is a new mask, I hope I won't take it anymore.

Please don't try too hard on wearing a mask already, my dear, you're precious and unique as you are.

God customize the special one and only you, don't take too many masks that weren't born with you.

The original me, please come back. I miss you.

-END-

End is good

"Everything be alright in the end."

The warmest and hopeful-est words I heard from my mom, when I am at the bottom of my world.

The moment I wish to end everything, which I don't see hope.

I don't feel alright at all. I felt that is the worst moment in my life that I couldn't go through.

BUT

This words woke me up.

It's like light rays that shine on me in the darkest world.

Yes, it may be just a sentence.

However it really mean.

It will be alright in the end.

When it is not alright, means it wasn't the end yet.

Chances still not there yet.

If  everything passed, then you will feel alright.

There is a start, there will be an end.

Nothing start without end.

After that.. I turned positive by 50%.

Of course, I am looking forward for the end.

I will be good in this period, 

I will enjoy and have fun with the problems.

There is no "take 2" in life, and my time will not reverse.

I will run, walk and rest along the runway.

Everything will be fine.

"Thanks to all the problems in my life.

You make me realised that life is so good after all.

All because of you..

At least, I feel care unexpectedly along the way.

Realising that my family and friends are loving me and always there for me."

That's more than enough.

Everything will be alright in the end.

Tata for now, problems.

-END-

Tight is loss

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Sand in hand,

"The harder you hold, the faster you loss."

It's applicable to people's relationship.

No matter friendship, family or any relationship will do..

Everything happens because we care and even over care about it.

There are too many ways to show care, consciously and unconsciously.
They care and they love.
They hold on tight with the one who they care.
They control everything they do and unconsciously started to dominate in other people's life.

Not everyone will notice the way they over care,
which might hurt someone.

"Parents over control on their child's movements and actions.
A Girlfriend always checking on who her boyfriend is talking to.
A friend who wants the friend only concentrate on him/her.
A teacher who controls the color of student's underwear."
Where are the basic human rights, where is trust?
These are just the example from what I can see in real life...

Tighten up a packet of peanut with a rubber band, you will think the harder you tie, the safer it would be.
This idea doesn't work in everything you do.

It's wasn't the same as you holding a person's hand.
Holding too tight may hurt the person so much.
The harder you hold, the more they wish to escape.

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Love is care BUT care wasn't controlling.
Space is trust that love can give.
Nothing belongs to you eternally, but heart and soul will be forever yours.

Learn to trust,
Learn to love,
Learn to hold.

Just remember, nothing belongs to you.
If something belongs to you now, appreciate it.
Hold it, never too tight.

-END-

Second or Seconds

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Second was powerful.

Very powerful.

It is a key,

a key for short and long term event.

Anything would happen in just in seconds, long or short, happy or not.

AND

The key is DECISION.

Guess what, we are dealing with it everyday.

The first decision you made today, was chose to wake up.

Average people did over 200 decisions per day on food itself. 

Maybe not everyone thinking about what to eat everyday, but we still making decisions everyday.

Such as, a car driver.

A driver will need to decide when to press on the break pedal, the accelerator. 

Some drivers like me will have to decide when to press on the clutch and change my gear.

So, I have to make more than 50 decisions just by driving to my university for 20-30 minutes.

Couldn't imagine that all these small little decisions keep me safe and alive for 3 years of driving.

BUT

Sometimes, decision wasn't in our hand.

On the road, everyone has the chance to make every decision.

Their decision can write people's story as well.

If the driver choose not to stop even another car is passing at the traffic light,

it can make the person with right decision with the wrong story line . 

(Following the rules but still end up with accident)

Life, is just like driving on the road. 

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A second for a right decision is like a safe journey that bring us to destination.

A second for a wrong decision is an accident that may delay our time to reach our destination.

Not every decisions will be right, but every mistakes make us to learn.

Make a mistake was not a big deal, don't worry, we still can continue our journey after that.

Life is just about decision, every single day.

Decide, decide and decide.

Whether in second or seconds.

Sometimes it gives you time, sometimes it doesn't.

Well,
by just writing this post, I had done more than 100 decisions, and 

the last decision is ending this post by dropping the last full-stop here.

-END-