人生没方程式

写了又删， 删了又写。

我连自己都怀疑了。

我这复杂的心情，是自己给自己添的吧？

是不是原谅别人放过自己就没事了呢……

是不是不计较不去在意就开心没事了……

是不是沟通好来就会顺顺利利，是不是减少说话就安全了？

原来自己都没发觉没想过，就认为做好自己就会没事……

认为自己那样就成熟不幼稚。

呆呆的认为能改变些什么。

却往往忘记了，有些事情无法老往自己怪去。

我们都是人，可并不代表我们就一样了。

有的感觉根本就跟自己超像，超级合得来，

啊结果还不是走着走着不小心走散了么？

有的感觉根本不搭，

结果吵下吵下就走在一起，怎推都推不开吗？

活着没有方程式，我们都无法计算。

无法肯定……

唯独尝试，也许试着试着就对了，

错了更好，那就换一换吧，有新方法，可以解解闷。

至少，努力过。

-完-

To the point

She likes to say "so?"
She likes to say "then?"
She likes to say "Main point?"
As the accompaniment to these words..
She likes to use the unacceptable face when asking, with the highway's wind kind of pitch and tone.

If wanna make life straight to the point, being super direct to get a conclusion.
Your life is dead.
Because every start already meant an end.
You're born to die ;)

If wanna fast forward everything, you're dead.

Sayonara.

Ouch, human.

Look human, talk human, listen human and contact human.

We couldn't avoid.

Lots of thoughts came into my mind.

About good and bad, but still about acceptance.

Is low acceptance a "no-good" thing?

Still.. it's an acceptance of acceptance.

Here's a topic I heard.. She's being so direct!

That's rude..

That's hurtful..

I hate it..

Here's another topic I heard..

She was so indirect, that makes things unclear!

Ya, she is so hard to understand!

She's fake..

She doesn't even be true to us.

Haha, suddenly thinks about, how a human can be a human?

One couldn't fits into every single frame of situations.

It was hard.

Human was hard..

But doesn't mean there's no solution for this..

We can either choose people who can accept us,

OR.. go home cry to mama..haha (kidding)

Or.. we change the way we speak and try to fit.

Undeniable, direct was hurt.

It's a stab right in front of the eyes.

However, you can know who is the killer.

Instead, a smile to you, and a stab behind you.

You will end up knowing nothing.

Nah, still human is hard.

Be as simple as you can.

Life was for you to hold, not split.

-END-

Something to Remember - Rays of Humanity and Love

At this era.. without mobile phone is like evaporate from the earth.
Reach no one, and no one can reach you.
This is what I've experience today.

The ray of humanity and love are something made the earth alive.
It reaches through our eyes then into our heart.
This is what I felt today when I'm comparing today with yesterday.

Hmm.. which to tell first?
Right, everything starts..

Rushing and forgetting everything were my talents.
Today I forgot about my phone, until I thought about checking my to-do-list in my phone==
So, well.. I totally forgot everything and couldn't reach my friend.
I was worry.
Since when the phone has become part of my brain, like a memory card in my body.
Without the phone, I'm like a blind person who are finding the way out to reach the light.

Then, I reach some people, trying to borrow a phone so that I could contact my friend.
(You know, now we hardly find public telephone)
So, it's harder than I thought to borrow a phone from some people.
Until I met a kind young Malay lady who is working at Giordano.
She was kind enough to lend me her phone.
Although I offer her some money for the phone calls I've made, but she rejected.
Although she was rushing to go back for work, but she is kind enough to wait for me.
I really appreciate her help today, thank you so much, girl.

A day before today, I've just experienced some darkest side of human's heart in the world.
Which trying to crash my naive beliefs.
I only see how ugly human can be.
How much I felt disappointed at them..

Not until today I met someone nice.
Which makes my trust and faith towards human returned.

Thanks God for making these life scenes for me to learn and appreciate.
I wish I would make other people's day too.
Because everyone has the power to change.
Making the world a better one.

-END-

The rejected item

Walk in the mall, and I saw a shop call "The Reject Shop".
I walk-in and have a look at clothes they are selling.
They look beautiful, just some of it has a little small flaw.
Anyway, it is acceptable.

I wonder why people reject these stock and make them here?
Is flaw a fault?
Is perfect forever..?

These clothes are so "low-confident",
they look like they don't really trust themselves anymore,
because they are rated as a reject stock.

Somehow, I feel this way too.
I felt like I'm always rejected.
The main reason that I realise is.. my family, especially my closest family member, mom.

She is good, caring, love me much.
She teaches me how to be responsible, hardworking, etc.. too much to say.

As a kid, I wanted to give/do something for her as the "act of kindness",
be a good daughter that she will appreciate and glad to have.
Try to be respect,
try to be caring,
try to be loving..
BUT.. What hurt the most is.. she won't see it.
I don't feel she sees it..(When I'm young)
I feel like, if she sees it, she will act like how the cartoon movie shows..
At least one appraisal, a hug, or a kiss on my head.

But.. NONE.
In the other way round,
Mom and dad magnified my mistakes.
Yes, now when I look at the old times, I feel there is a need to teach me what is good and bad.
However, I do not feel that there is a need to magnified my mistakes to the outsider.
Maybe they think that showing it out will make me change my mistakes quickly.

BUT..... too bad, this only hurts me.

20 years, with 15.5years memory in my head.
I'm clear about these.
I couldn't voice it out..
Pa, ma.. I'm tiring.
Do I ever shine in your eyes?
Do dark always more convincing than the bright..?

I don't wish you to praise me all over the world like the other parents do.
I don't need you to see only good things in me.
But, I need some of your support in the path of doing good.
At least a "thank you".. At least a hug..
Maybe just tell me that, I really do good.
Once in a blue moon..
I don't even mind.

Because you all are the people I trusted the most.
Without your support, it makes me feel like I wasn't worth anything.
Make me feel like the clothes in the reject shop..
Make me feel so rejected.

Although outsider do praise me..
But, they will never raise my confidence.
I need you.
It's just like I praise those clothes in the reject shop.
But those clothes will never return to the original shop.

I'm thinking....
If now you all changed, started to appreciate what I did by showing it out,
will it make a change in me?
Or.. is it too late?

I have to pluck the root that absorbed my confidence out from my body by myself.
Dear God, please assist me in this..
Thanks God..... :')

-END-

Tiny but HUGE, you don't know.

We are so big yet so small.

When we are standing on the dust,
we find ourselves so big, so huge.
When we are standing on the earth,
we find ourselves so small, so tiny.

Illusions make me thinks that huge means everything,
Giant can do bigger things than the tiny one can do..
Suddenly thinks that,
we are just too small to make an effect.
But when we ZOOM out from..
the earth > the galaxy > the milky way..
I feel like I'm just a dust!
A dust that is small and unseen.

... ...

Suddenly, I felt an "ouch" on my foot.
I sat on the floor, look at my foot..
I see nothing but I feel the achiness and itchiness.
Then, I see an ant climbing on my foot.
I just use my thumb to press on it, yea, like what I expected, it died.
I swept it away from my foot.

Then, I started to realise how huge I am..
and how a small and tiny thing can make an effect on me.
Who said that small = nothing?
Who said that huge = powerful?
The effect of that small ant makes the noise and mini chaos in me,
I can't stop scratching my foot, even I'm wearing my shoe, I feel like taking it off and scratch.

I started to feel that, no matter how huge or how tiny we are, we will bring effects on one another.
We may think that the small little thing we did may not mean anything or bring any effect.
BUT, we may not know how powerful our action can be..
It's just like our effort in anything.
We may think what we did is just too small and do not make things out,
BUT, we do not realise how that "little" things may make out something "big".

Yes, sometimes effort will not equal to the outcome,
which make us feel so small and invisible.
What if, you stop putting in any efforts, and see how it can affect the outcome?
Can you see the effect now?
Yes.. we aren't that tiny.
The small things we did, can change the earth, the galaxy, even the milky way.

Tiny doesn't mean nothing,
Huge doesn't mean everything.

We are powerful.

-END-

Go ahead

Egg came first or the chicken came first?

It rain first only it form a cloud or it form a cloud only it rain?

You are the cause of problem or the problem is the cause?

I'm low confidence since young or it was built later?

"Hey.. I'm Hui Xuan, a Malaysian, turning 20.

I'm studying Corporate Comm.

I'm a part-time music instructor.

Currently joining a music event company.

And I.....love arts, especially drawing."

"Ow, hey, why you love arts so much but you don't embrace it?"

"You love corporate comm?"

"Wow, you must be great in music aren't you?"

lalalala... yeap, questions over and over again.

Thanks to myself who chose the path.

These are questions I often heard, and I do ask myself..

"Do I love what I'm doing right now?"

"I don't know.."

Roll my brain juice back to the origin..

I'm asking almost everyone do I suit to do these or that..

I just need confirmation so so so much.

I couldn't express myself and be daring to choose what I really want.

(Arts is the only place where I trust myself so much)

I care. I care how people view me.

I'm more like showing what I do, instead of doing it for myself.

Even if I doing for myself, I need other's confirmation..

I'm limited.

I'd put myself into a cage.

A cage which depends on how people dip me into the water..

How deep they dip, how fast I die in the way they like.

Until someone told me..

"Huixuan, you really need to trust yourself and your ability.

You are unique on this earth... Please do for yourself in this short life..

Leave no regrets. Continue to build the uniqueness in you."

Yea.. how many tons of regrets I left in the past?

How many times I've let go the chance for the best me?

When I'm willing to stop my eyes from looking for confirmation and just start doing the best for myself?

I'm 20, let say I can live up to 70..

I left 50years..

How many times more I can waste in my life..?

Maybe, this is the best time to rearrange myself for the best future.

Maybe it's time to rain to form the rainbow..

Give up the clouds to turn into rains and get myself a rainbow.

Good Luck Hui Xuan,

All the best..

Hope to see your growth in near future.

With Love,

20 years old Hui Xuan.

-END-