Out of me

*Never use google translate for mandarin blogs. Because it meant I don't wish to be understand. Thanks*

拼命的呼吸，拼命的活着。
我告诉我的心，没事的，可是它拒绝了。
原来……我并不好。

如果笑能证明我很好， 我肯定我现在非常的好。
可是，如果我眼睛不说谎，我相信事实并非如此。
事情的发生是不是暗示着我们在长大着？
还是我们在往后沉下？

时间煮雨，是否我们渐渐的消失了？
是否慢慢被遗忘了……
是否现在的泪水也会慢慢的蒸发？

你们，会不会就从我生活里蒸发了……
我们能保存的只是回忆。
而流失的，是捡不回来的故事。

而这些心里的刺儿们会不会消失？
贱人们会不会蒸发？

别想了，我的肩膀借给你……可惜说的人是我不愿意依靠的人。
别想了，让我抱一抱你……可惜我并不想投入你的怀抱。
别想了，会过去的……而我怕的是该过去的却不过去。

我累了……
是我吗？决定了快乐却又哭了。
以为哭了就能坚强，却更痛了。

————————————————————————————————————————

拉起被单，把自己抱着了。
我安稳了。

谢谢关心我的人们，有你们真好。
别离开。


-完-

Double Nerved

Smell the alien smell of this place, look around. Well, this gotta be my new room for the new semester huh. Is this a new start up of everything? Will I be a better person than before? Is this the fresh beginning of everything good? (Ya, I like to think that way.)

Cleaning up the alien place, well it finally smells a little like my own room now. Getting comfortable with the place right after 1 hour. Then, moving some of my daily use stuffs into the room. Aww, I'm finally trying to be independent (Noo, I brought my mom there too LOL).

Thinking about new university life in the new city campus gotta be so fun and exciting. Happily walking to the class together.. Get to use the new lecture hall, hopefully a well-functioning projector, nice chair also a nice writing table!

Then, I saw some pictures posted by our lecture.. Oh no, I see no table! Am I going to use my lap as a table? Nah, is okay.. Who cares, if there is good functioning facilities.. ESPECIALLY CLEAN WASHROOM, I would be happy! Things get more and more exciting.. until.....

My friend asks me, am I going out for lunch and dinner everyday. I stunned. Yea, I do know how to cook, but I don't wish to cook at there. My friend asks me, am I going to wash my clothes or bring it home. I stunned again! I do not have enough clothes, so I  do need to wash it myself.

Oh no, I felt I'm so dependent all this while. Mom is the one who always do for me. Living without her makes me so emotional, thinking about how heavy was her job at home, as a full-time housewife. Started to appreciate every single thing she did for me. Was it late?

But, at the same time, now I can do some part for her, minimize her job-load, right? Hoping that 20 years wasn't too late to do something for her and papa.

Well, I do feel down a little. No one gotta wake me up if I overslept like my mom do. No one gotta listen to my daily story like my mom do. No one gotta let me be like a little girl like mt mom do. No one gotta mumble things I did like my mom do. Nobody.

The exciting x down mixing kind of feeling makes my cells acting so abnormal. How fast I can adapt to everything? One week will do right?

Good that I see things from this happenings. God, thanks for making me appreciate more and more in my life. I like this planning. Thank you.

-END-

Time Alone, walk with yourself.

"Expressing.. expressing.. expressing.."
The word is running in my mind again and again. No matter what's your idea and no matter what'd inspired you, what ends up is what you've expressed. Expressing wasn't as easy as I thought, well it might not be as complicated as I thought too.

Here come the flashbacks of performing. I was on the stage, spotlight was on me and I'm the only one who focused by 200 pairs of eyes. They said, hug the stage and make it yours and perform like what you are, because you're the only star shining at the second. I shivered before moving my first step onto the stage...... "Can I make it?"

Heart beating 100km/h kinda speed that gonna kill me anytime. Sweat like the fast flowing waterfall and any second may flood the hall. #maybe thats just a wrong thought and estimation as I'm too nervous# Yea, so times really flies, I just step onto the stage, blablabla, not focusing, not realising, not breathing perhaps? I'm done.

The echo of claps was filled. I take my steps and bow.

Well, am I expressing myself? Am I expressing my art? Actually no, I'm just doing for the sake of doing it because I do not have a chance to run away from this. To be true, I don't even know what am I doing on the stage. People just clap for the sake of ending a performance. "LOL"

Then.. what's expressing?

Somehow, I think that expressing is based on a strong base - Confidence. Trust in yourself is so important. Only when you trust what you know, what's your idea, what you wanna bring to the audience, what you've got and lastly is that you can make it.

Without that GODDESS CONFIDENCE, whatever you have is nothing because what people can only see and appreciate is what you showed. You are the one who shows the "POSSIBILITY" of something.

Sometimes, I may find that life is about proving and proving. Making trust and making promises to come alive.

Be confident to stand as who you are, be confident to fall and stand up again. Human makes mistakes but jusy promise to learn from it, then it shall be fine. Be confident, is the basic of trusting yourself. If you don't trust yourself, who will?

Yeah, undeniable, I'm afraid of failure too. Who cares? Failure is the only thing that make us uniquely standing and making us special and view things at different perspectives from others. Why not we make these mistakes once so that we are filled with experience? Don't you heard the old words said that "experience is priceless and it is uniquely captured that not everyone can own the same one"? *wink*.

So, trust yourself, express yourself, show up! You'll be the best in your world.

(Express yourself, out of nobody to somebody in your world)

-END-

人生没方程式

写了又删， 删了又写。

我连自己都怀疑了。

我这复杂的心情，是自己给自己添的吧？

是不是原谅别人放过自己就没事了呢……

是不是不计较不去在意就开心没事了……

是不是沟通好来就会顺顺利利，是不是减少说话就安全了？

原来自己都没发觉没想过，就认为做好自己就会没事……

认为自己那样就成熟不幼稚。

呆呆的认为能改变些什么。

却往往忘记了，有些事情无法老往自己怪去。

我们都是人，可并不代表我们就一样了。

有的感觉根本就跟自己超像，超级合得来，

啊结果还不是走着走着不小心走散了么？

有的感觉根本不搭，

结果吵下吵下就走在一起，怎推都推不开吗？

活着没有方程式，我们都无法计算。

无法肯定……

唯独尝试，也许试着试着就对了，

错了更好，那就换一换吧，有新方法，可以解解闷。

至少，努力过。

-完-

To the point

She likes to say "so?"
She likes to say "then?"
She likes to say "Main point?"
As the accompaniment to these words..
She likes to use the unacceptable face when asking, with the highway's wind kind of pitch and tone.

If wanna make life straight to the point, being super direct to get a conclusion.
Your life is dead.
Because every start already meant an end.
You're born to die ;)

If wanna fast forward everything, you're dead.

Sayonara.

Ouch, human.

Look human, talk human, listen human and contact human.

We couldn't avoid.

Lots of thoughts came into my mind.

About good and bad, but still about acceptance.

Is low acceptance a "no-good" thing?

Still.. it's an acceptance of acceptance.

Here's a topic I heard.. She's being so direct!

That's rude..

That's hurtful..

I hate it..

Here's another topic I heard..

She was so indirect, that makes things unclear!

Ya, she is so hard to understand!

She's fake..

She doesn't even be true to us.

Haha, suddenly thinks about, how a human can be a human?

One couldn't fits into every single frame of situations.

It was hard.

Human was hard..

But doesn't mean there's no solution for this..

We can either choose people who can accept us,

OR.. go home cry to mama..haha (kidding)

Or.. we change the way we speak and try to fit.

Undeniable, direct was hurt.

It's a stab right in front of the eyes.

However, you can know who is the killer.

Instead, a smile to you, and a stab behind you.

You will end up knowing nothing.

Nah, still human is hard.

Be as simple as you can.

Life was for you to hold, not split.

-END-

Something to Remember - Rays of Humanity and Love

At this era.. without mobile phone is like evaporate from the earth.
Reach no one, and no one can reach you.
This is what I've experience today.

The ray of humanity and love are something made the earth alive.
It reaches through our eyes then into our heart.
This is what I felt today when I'm comparing today with yesterday.

Hmm.. which to tell first?
Right, everything starts..

Rushing and forgetting everything were my talents.
Today I forgot about my phone, until I thought about checking my to-do-list in my phone==
So, well.. I totally forgot everything and couldn't reach my friend.
I was worry.
Since when the phone has become part of my brain, like a memory card in my body.
Without the phone, I'm like a blind person who are finding the way out to reach the light.

Then, I reach some people, trying to borrow a phone so that I could contact my friend.
(You know, now we hardly find public telephone)
So, it's harder than I thought to borrow a phone from some people.
Until I met a kind young Malay lady who is working at Giordano.
She was kind enough to lend me her phone.
Although I offer her some money for the phone calls I've made, but she rejected.
Although she was rushing to go back for work, but she is kind enough to wait for me.
I really appreciate her help today, thank you so much, girl.

A day before today, I've just experienced some darkest side of human's heart in the world.
Which trying to crash my naive beliefs.
I only see how ugly human can be.
How much I felt disappointed at them..

Not until today I met someone nice.
Which makes my trust and faith towards human returned.

Thanks God for making these life scenes for me to learn and appreciate.
I wish I would make other people's day too.
Because everyone has the power to change.
Making the world a better one.

-END-