The rejected item

Walk in the mall, and I saw a shop call "The Reject Shop".
I walk-in and have a look at clothes they are selling.
They look beautiful, just some of it has a little small flaw.
Anyway, it is acceptable.

I wonder why people reject these stock and make them here?
Is flaw a fault?
Is perfect forever..?

These clothes are so "low-confident",
they look like they don't really trust themselves anymore,
because they are rated as a reject stock.

Somehow, I feel this way too.
I felt like I'm always rejected.
The main reason that I realise is.. my family, especially my closest family member, mom.

She is good, caring, love me much.
She teaches me how to be responsible, hardworking, etc.. too much to say.

As a kid, I wanted to give/do something for her as the "act of kindness",
be a good daughter that she will appreciate and glad to have.
Try to be respect,
try to be caring,
try to be loving..
BUT.. What hurt the most is.. she won't see it.
I don't feel she sees it..(When I'm young)
I feel like, if she sees it, she will act like how the cartoon movie shows..
At least one appraisal, a hug, or a kiss on my head.

But.. NONE.
In the other way round,
Mom and dad magnified my mistakes.
Yes, now when I look at the old times, I feel there is a need to teach me what is good and bad.
However, I do not feel that there is a need to magnified my mistakes to the outsider.
Maybe they think that showing it out will make me change my mistakes quickly.

BUT..... too bad, this only hurts me.

20 years, with 15.5years memory in my head.
I'm clear about these.
I couldn't voice it out..
Pa, ma.. I'm tiring.
Do I ever shine in your eyes?
Do dark always more convincing than the bright..?

I don't wish you to praise me all over the world like the other parents do.
I don't need you to see only good things in me.
But, I need some of your support in the path of doing good.
At least a "thank you".. At least a hug..
Maybe just tell me that, I really do good.
Once in a blue moon..
I don't even mind.

Because you all are the people I trusted the most.
Without your support, it makes me feel like I wasn't worth anything.
Make me feel like the clothes in the reject shop..
Make me feel so rejected.

Although outsider do praise me..
But, they will never raise my confidence.
I need you.
It's just like I praise those clothes in the reject shop.
But those clothes will never return to the original shop.

I'm thinking....
If now you all changed, started to appreciate what I did by showing it out,
will it make a change in me?
Or.. is it too late?

I have to pluck the root that absorbed my confidence out from my body by myself.
Dear God, please assist me in this..
Thanks God..... :')

-END-

Tiny but HUGE, you don't know.

We are so big yet so small.

When we are standing on the dust,
we find ourselves so big, so huge.
When we are standing on the earth,
we find ourselves so small, so tiny.

Illusions make me thinks that huge means everything,
Giant can do bigger things than the tiny one can do..
Suddenly thinks that,
we are just too small to make an effect.
But when we ZOOM out from..
the earth > the galaxy > the milky way..
I feel like I'm just a dust!
A dust that is small and unseen.

... ...

Suddenly, I felt an "ouch" on my foot.
I sat on the floor, look at my foot..
I see nothing but I feel the achiness and itchiness.
Then, I see an ant climbing on my foot.
I just use my thumb to press on it, yea, like what I expected, it died.
I swept it away from my foot.

Then, I started to realise how huge I am..
and how a small and tiny thing can make an effect on me.
Who said that small = nothing?
Who said that huge = powerful?
The effect of that small ant makes the noise and mini chaos in me,
I can't stop scratching my foot, even I'm wearing my shoe, I feel like taking it off and scratch.

I started to feel that, no matter how huge or how tiny we are, we will bring effects on one another.
We may think that the small little thing we did may not mean anything or bring any effect.
BUT, we may not know how powerful our action can be..
It's just like our effort in anything.
We may think what we did is just too small and do not make things out,
BUT, we do not realise how that "little" things may make out something "big".

Yes, sometimes effort will not equal to the outcome,
which make us feel so small and invisible.
What if, you stop putting in any efforts, and see how it can affect the outcome?
Can you see the effect now?
Yes.. we aren't that tiny.
The small things we did, can change the earth, the galaxy, even the milky way.

Tiny doesn't mean nothing,
Huge doesn't mean everything.

We are powerful.

-END-

Go ahead

Egg came first or the chicken came first?

It rain first only it form a cloud or it form a cloud only it rain?

You are the cause of problem or the problem is the cause?

I'm low confidence since young or it was built later?

"Hey.. I'm Hui Xuan, a Malaysian, turning 20.

I'm studying Corporate Comm.

I'm a part-time music instructor.

Currently joining a music event company.

And I.....love arts, especially drawing."

"Ow, hey, why you love arts so much but you don't embrace it?"

"You love corporate comm?"

"Wow, you must be great in music aren't you?"

lalalala... yeap, questions over and over again.

Thanks to myself who chose the path.

These are questions I often heard, and I do ask myself..

"Do I love what I'm doing right now?"

"I don't know.."

Roll my brain juice back to the origin..

I'm asking almost everyone do I suit to do these or that..

I just need confirmation so so so much.

I couldn't express myself and be daring to choose what I really want.

(Arts is the only place where I trust myself so much)

I care. I care how people view me.

I'm more like showing what I do, instead of doing it for myself.

Even if I doing for myself, I need other's confirmation..

I'm limited.

I'd put myself into a cage.

A cage which depends on how people dip me into the water..

How deep they dip, how fast I die in the way they like.

Until someone told me..

"Huixuan, you really need to trust yourself and your ability.

You are unique on this earth... Please do for yourself in this short life..

Leave no regrets. Continue to build the uniqueness in you."

Yea.. how many tons of regrets I left in the past?

How many times I've let go the chance for the best me?

When I'm willing to stop my eyes from looking for confirmation and just start doing the best for myself?

I'm 20, let say I can live up to 70..

I left 50years..

How many times more I can waste in my life..?

Maybe, this is the best time to rearrange myself for the best future.

Maybe it's time to rain to form the rainbow..

Give up the clouds to turn into rains and get myself a rainbow.

Good Luck Hui Xuan,

All the best..

Hope to see your growth in near future.

With Love,

20 years old Hui Xuan.

-END-

To the me

Hey, you are reading 20 years old Hui Xuan's blog.

Hello elder Hui Xuan,
How are you..
Wondering how you've become.

Are you still lack of confident?
Are you still boyish?
Are you still sensitive?
Are you still feel the same like me now?

I hope you don't.. or better words would be.. I hope you're good.

Can you tell me is choosing Corporate Comm is the right choice you've made?
Do you still loving arts?
Are you a music instructor still?
How you went through all I've to go through now?

Tons and tons of question, I wanna ask you.
Paths and paths, I'm lost..
How could I meet you.. or will I meet you in future?

I start to wonder.. will you exist in future.
A person like me, will I succeed to meet you?
Am I getting stronger and growing into you?

Hui Xuan, if you exist..
I thank you for never giving up on me.
If you exist, I know I will do all these.
If you exist, I know that I will succeed.
If you exist...

I will not give up, I will chase you at your back, run to the future and get you.
You may run even faster.
I believe I can chase you.
I will meet you soon.
See you!

By,
20 years old Hui Xuan

-END-

Floating creature in the ocean

A special creature,
without eyes, nose or lips,
without legs or hands.
It floats with the dancing laces under it,
from the top it looks like jelly,
from far it just looks cute and sweet.

(Retrieved from: http://images1.nick.com/nick-assets/shows/images/spongebob-squarepants/flipbooks/jellyfishing-with-spongebob/jellyfishing-fun-2.JPG)

Friendly and cheerful are what I used to describe it.
It looks so beautiful and clear,
like no secret is hidden.

Encyclopedia breaks my heart,
Jellyfish is so dangerous.
They contain high voltage,
they can kill you if you touch them.

They aren't what I imagine.

In opposite,
they are just so sensitive.
They wasn't friendly...
They aren't.

Somehow, it just like human.
They may seem so nice to us,
until we get to know them,
until something happened only we know the real them.

But, in other way,
it is just self-protecting.
Like human,
showing self-protect and self-esteem.
People around might hurt,
but if they don't self-protect,
who gonna protect them or respect them I wonder?

Again,
it may seem good, but it might be bad.
However,
it may seem bad, but it is reasonable. 

Jellyfish is born to be that way.
But, what makes human from them is that..
Experiences (past) are what make us today.

-END-

Bing Bong Bang

We are walking,

hand in hand.

Think it would last,

maybe forever.

We started as three,

joking, reading, laughing,

from Monday to Friday,

sometimes even Saturday.

We are different,

she is good at sports,

he is good at study,

I am good at drawing.

We are still walking,

but here comes separation,

we insist to stick,

we came UTAR hand in hand.

Life destination set,

foundation separated us,

but our heart never,

we run towards future.

Life's ups and downs,

 lifting and dropping us,

she failed and we passed,

here is where she stopped.

Degree life here to greet,

he went Kampar and I stayed,

she is the one who we failed to contact,

she gone.

Now we knew,

relationship is what she chose,

not us but the guy,

our friendship sinks.

We miss her,

but broken is broken,

goodbye is written,

but memories stayed.

You see something but not

Things weren't be just what you see.

A pen might not be just a stick with ink.

A paper might not be just a thin and fragile sheet.

A rubbish bin might not be just a storage of unwanted stuff.

Pen may be your memory recorder.

Paper may be your prove certificate.

Rubbish bin may be keeping things you ever need.

We never know what we actually are.

We see, we hear, we judge.

We talk, we discuss, we judge again.

We interact, we judge once again.

People look at me and said..

She looks "cheerful, hardworking, talkative, talented"

People who talked about me said..

She is "strict, sensitive, kind, stressed"

People interact with me and said..

She is "soft-hearted, pessimistic, over-worried, forever-dilemma"

What they see might not be what I really am.

What I really intended might not be what people received.

You don't know that I don't know that you don't know.

I don't know that you don't know that I don't know.

We might be good but viewed as bad.

We might be bad but viewed as good.

I'm not talented in music,

but because of a paper certificate that prove me, I viewed by others as talented.

I'm not cheerful or optimistic as they thought, deep inside I'm low in confidence and pessimistic.

Judging is not our job.

Judging is not a paid job, but people are willing to do so.

You may say you don't but don't tell me you never judge a person is a girl or boy when you are calling him or her as a "miss" or a "mister", HAHAHA

Unless you say you are paid to judge like an examiner, a lecturer or whatsoever.

Yeah, we judge..

Is it a bad thing?

We tend to misunderstand people.....

BUT.. without judging will be even worse right?

We will not be able to make decisions.

Well, world is always two-faced.

The bright and the dark, the shallow and the deep.

Without "this" we will not compare "that".

Without differences, we cannot see anything.

Because of something, therefore here is something.

Same as human.

It all just proved that we are somebody because there is nobody.

-END-