Everything in the sea that is nothing

Do you ever feel that somebody has meant everything to you?
The person has filled up your heart and you feel like the person is everything you got?

However, there is a saying..
"Water is everything to a fish, but fish is not everything to the water.
Sea is everything to the water, but water is not everything to the sea."

Not to break your heart, but just to remind you that you might not the "everything" to the person. Nothing is fair and no rules say that one must be your mirror.

Then, if you know this is happening.. will you still treating this person as everything and giving the best to this person unconditionally? What's the reason you doing all these? Win the person's heart, have some motives behind or you just loving the person?

Talk about myself, I just feel like a Remora fish. A Remora fish that needs protection from the shark, taking shark as everything to protect me. However, the shark does not need me at all. My existence may not be anything at all. Maybe, not even a small influence in its life. Then, what can I do for the shark? Other than thanking, appreciating and keep on asking for help? Other than keep on loving more and more, missing deeper and deeper and stalking frequent and frequent?

My dear shark,
I wonder if the Remora fish wasn't under you anymore, will you ever feel lonely?
I wonder if the Remora fish left you, will you ever realise it?
I wonder if the Remora fish never come back, will you ever miss it?
I wonder if you want the Remora fish to leave so you don't get a shadow that always following you?

They say fish has only 7seconds of memory, this short term of memory, how it can always remember that staying with the shark will keep it safe? Which makes it always return to the shark.
Why Remora fish still remembering you, dear shark.. why?

Dear Remora Fish,
Do you wanna change a place to hide yourself?
Can you be independent now to fight the world?
Will you be strong and turn into a shark someday?

Under the sea world, once living this shark and remora fish that swim together for months and they get lost in their way. They lost each other.
Will the Remora fish still need the shark?
Will the shark miss the Remora fish or realising that it needs Remora fish too?

I don't know. Let's see the next chapter of the sea story after 3months maybe?
Let God to make the decision on how the story goes.

-END-

Gravity

Is this a story, or is it a reality?

I couldn't look into your eyes and ask you why.

Your smile your care and your stare.

Will I feel love if you are no longer there.

It feels like everything will come to the end,

If I ever close my eyes.

Will day sustained and this feeling will never fade.

If I were to offer you my heart, will you ever stay there?

I wonder is this called love,

Or this is just an illusion that you built.

Will it be the thinnest ice-floor,

Which I'm going to step on it and fall into the freezing world?

I'm moving away and asking myself to forget.

But my footsteps get heavier and I wanted to stay more,

Just because memories you built are heavy and they are tying on my leg.

Please send someone from the sky to lift me and leave your gravity.

You're once the person from the sky who pulled me up.

Only I realise you are the gravity of another world that hold me tight.

Your gravity squeezes me from inside out that I would hardly survive if I leave.
Is there other world that have the same gravity as you did that will keep me alive?

If I ever leave, will I survive this time?
If I ever leave, will the memories stay?
If I ever leave, will your gravity needs me?
If I ever leave, will it be a beautiful ending?

Matters of choice?

To be perfect for a decision wasn't easy, as there is no dead-angle for a case. It wasn't a triangle, rectangle or pentagon. It can be more than a circle, without boundaries.

No limitation of possibilities.

For success or failure.

If we're there to consider each and every single possiblities, I wonder which end of this earth it can stop. However, choice will be what matters the most. Each and every steps will always be the risk we take, like throwing ten dices at once. Possibilities are vary, you can never expect what's next (unless you have that special ability maybe, haha). 

Maybe as routine, we are making decision everyday, we will never realise that there are so much possibilities. Or maybe, it is out of our concern.. or we just don't care?

Sometimes we really wanna care and wish that we can make a good decision that is flawless to everyone, but the good might not be the good for certain people and some act of "perfect" may not be "perfect" too.

Let's look at this, maybe you are a person who like people to tell you the truth instead of hiding, especially when you are dealing with your spouse, i suppose. You're a open and a considerate person (your spouse's good perception of you). So, as your spouse sees you trying to prepare dishes for the family members as you try hard to suit their flavours, he/she thinks that you can actually relax a little. So he/she is trying to make you relax by telling you that you can just cook anything you wish, there is no need of always being too considerate. However, you think that it is so important and cannot be ignored. Because considering others are greater than your stress. But, in other angle, you do not like stress as stress makes you depressed. Your consideration makes the others feel that you're always concealing yourself, covering yourself for something you don't wished for.

Ouch, my brain hurts. There is more than these possibilities. Seriously, to make yourself great for everyone is slightly impossible. So do other people, they can never be that perfect and fit you too, 

People always say "be true, be yourself" but at the same time, they say "Don't hurt others". Well, to be true might not be not hurtful, be considerate doesn't mean not hurtful too.

There is no boundaries for possibilities, beyond circles of estimation. I would like to call it the beyond-angles haha.

Well, what's left is the significance of the matter to you. Judgement is everywhere, chill and focus on your path. Your love for yourself is the securest things on earth, care for yourself if others couldn't. Let's just be a little hurtful a little cheerful to colour up lives. 

At least some ups and downs to make fun like the roller coaster. Surprises are good. *wink*

-END-

Stay fit by eating? You are not dreaming.

If you have to choose only ONE from the below, which will you choose?

Will you choose this tasty grilled chicken with juicy cherry tomatoes?

OR

Will you choose to have a perfect body shape?

Dilemma hits my head everytime I see this kind of question.

Good food gives me happiness, but upset my body shape.

Good body shape gives me confidence in dressing, but I have to upset my stomach.

 We just couldn't have both at the same time.

BUT

What if I say you can have both now?

Yes! It is possible that you can have both a pretty body and good food at the same time! Are you excited? Because I definitely am! 

Talking about a pretty body shape, what comes to your mind? Lose weight? Stop eating? Burn fats? Do tons of exercises? Taking pills? Or it is an impossible mission to you?

Exercise seems to be the best way to keep fit and healthy at the same time. However, without controlling the food you eat, you will be eating all the "weight" back to your body. 

So, to keep a fit body shape in a healthy condition, here are 5 alternative ways for you. You know what? The 5 alternative ways are all foods that can help you in losing weight. Let's see what they are.

1. Cacao Powder (Chocolate powder)

Dark Cacao Power is also known as "dark chocolate powder" without sugar. Yeah, people always says that consuming chocolate will make you fat right? Well, happy for people who love chocolate flavour like I do, we got our savior here! 

How does it work?

The dark cacao powder provides high antioxidant and polyphenols which help to improve digestion (with lesser body waste, the lighter you will be). Other than that, it also helps to keep cardiovascular health and control your blood pressure and blood glucose level. It not only enhances the taste but keeping us slim and healthy.

Tips: Add a tablespoon of Cacao powder into your smoothie and yogurt.

(Smoothie with cacao powder)

2. Cinnamon Powder

Cinnamon is a kind of spice which often used in enhancing the flavour of desserts. Can you imagine that it can help in reducing weight? 

How does it work?

Cinnamon contains mineral and fibre that our body needs each day. It can help to maintain healthy body weight and smoothen the bowel movement by just a tablespoon a day. 

Tips: Add a tablespoon of cinnamon into your honey lemon tea. It may sound weird, but the effect is going to be great.

Anyway, let me share you a tasty little recipe that combines the use of cacao powder and cinnamon powder here. Perhaps you can consider it as your breakfast next day!

Firstly, get your ingredients ready!

Then, you just need to put all these ingredients into a jar and keep it into your fridge!

 It is that simple. 

I've tried it. It really tastes good, at the same time it is healthy and easy to be prepared! It is suitable for people who are a heavy-eater like me.

3. Turmeric (also known as "kunyit" in the Malay language)

Well, you may not be familiar with the picture showed above. What if I say it always appear in our Malaysian food? Such as..

Curry! (My favourite)

The Dal that we usually eat with roti canai.

Familiar with it now? 

*Well, I'm hungry to talk about it now.*

Did not realise that the foods we are so familiar with are containing substant that going to burn our fats right? It's okay, it's not too late to know it now. Haha.

How does it works?

Turmeric is one of the anti-inflammatory foods which contains antioxidant. The anti-inflammatory food is believed to minimize the carbohydrate and sugar level that you consume, therefore, burn up the fats in your body.

Tips: Other than the foods showed above, you can also add turmeric as seasoning to meats (preferably lean meat) before you cook. Maybe you can make a turmeric grilled chicken?

(Turmeric Grilled Chicken)

4. Coconut Oil

Coconut oil? What comes into our mind is "oil" equals to "fat", how is it possible in assisting us in losing weight?

How does it works?

Coconut oil serves more saturated fat compared to the normal cooking oil and it is considered as healthy fat. Other than that, it is rich in fatty acids which make you feel full easily and increase your body metabolism. It suppresses your appetite and  burns your body fat at the same time. 

Tips: Use coconut oil in your daily cooking. Food will still taste good without blocking your journey to a healthier and slimmer body. 

5. Honey

Who says that sweet food is going to trouble us with fat? Honey is sweet, but it is going to help us in weight loss. But not all honey is going to benefit you, the best choice will be raw organic honey.

How does it works?

Honey is rich in enzymes and antioxidant which keeps your digestive system works happily. Body with a good digestive system is definitely helping you to slim down without much effort other than eating.

Tips: Add honey into the water or lemon drinks to serve as honey lemon drinks. You may also add it to the waffle or fruit as you wish.

(Honey Lemon drink)

(Honey waffle)

  Yummy. Together with these tasty foods, you won't  feel that you are actually on a weight loss programme, aren't you?

Although you will be losing weight by consuming these foods, however, bear in mind that these foods are just assisting you in your journey of keeping fit. Balance diet and exercise are still needed for a healthier body.

Let's grab our foods and start our mouth exercise now for a greater body shape.

Stay happy, stay fit! Enjoy.

How to be not

How we can be not when we are just so attached?

How I'm gonna leave when I'm so into it?

How you gonna lost it, when it is not even yours?


Sometimes, the time we went through aren't the measurement of our relationship.
The things we said, aren't the only thing that filled up our space.
The roads that we ran together will not equal to the future that we are going to face together.
Those laughs in the air aren't only because of you and I.
The moment was not the only frame in your life, but maybe mine.


Are these the act of kindness that everyone honoured to get from you?
Are these representing the real you?
Or, this is just a mask that you're wearing..?

That will crack the ground I'm standing right now into pieces and let me fall to the infinite core of the earth........

Is a dream that gonna wake me anytime from now?
It is the nightmare that gonna happen real soon or the sweetdream that I'm going to wake up from?

Will the bubble last forever if I never gonna move anyway further?
Or.. I should move faster and create more bubbles before breaking this one..?

Will it be a sweetdream that turn into reality somehow..?
I choose to believe it as a NO.

Goodnight.

-END-

Can't be spoken

Do you know the feeling of "love that cannot be spoken"?

It is like the blood capillaries and the blood, water and bottle, or maybe the pencil and pen.
It is so close, but they will never ever be one.
They are not the cotton and water, the sauce and meat or the voice and music..
They can't be mixed, which is the fact.

Getting to be so close with someone, but you know there's the boundary between you two.
You know that it is the edge that can never be crossed.
You know that's the limit you can go.

Are you the one and only who feel this closeness?
Are you the one who started to climb so near to the edge?
Are you the one who almost fall into the opposite world which could hurt you so much?

Do this worth so much to you.. or is this the choice you would go for?

No. Can I blame the opposite that keep pulling me with its strong gravity?
The gravity that I couldn't resist to fell to.
The gravity that makes my footstep weaker and fall into its hug.

If.. you stop, will I feel good?
If.. you aren't there to pull me anymore, will I miss you?

What's the end of our story?
I don't wish to know.

But if the world could stop,
I wish to be stuck at the time frame where we are together,
When there is no second thought of pulling back.
When there is no boundary being felt.
When the moon and stars shine brighter when we look into the night sky.

That's the most beautiful moment, when I do not need to avoid and being afraid of falling.

-END-

How it'd be?

Is it the shape you see the volume it holds?
Is the word you said the feeling you hold?
Is the feeling I feel right now the love you wanna give?

What we always see, might not be the thing that it wanna present or mean. But we judge.
Judge may be a good thing, of course, may not be good. Without judging, how we gonna make a decision? But with judgement, doesn't mean we will be correct. Will things just go better because of our judgement.....?

There are always words and judgements from others when we became the subject. You may act yourself, but in their eyes, you may not mean that to them.
Different mirror reflects you in different angles.
Different colours spectacles watch you in different colours.
You may be a super sweetheart or devil without acting on it.
Because not everyone sees bad in you, or only sees bad in you.
It's about choice..

While writing these.. suddenly there are two people that pop up in my mind.
A girl that I've known for 2 years, and a guy that I that I just know for a month.
Thought of knowing longer, I might get used to the choice she used to see me. But, it's her choice to view and act on me. Which is a big contrast for now vs 2 years ago. From a pink glasses into a black one.
Now, here is another one that I just know for a month. It's his choice to view in any angle, but he chose to view me in this way. A pink one too. I wondering, will it be the same after two years? Will you change too?

Am I the one who changed, or others changed?
Am I the cause of the happenings..?
Is the shape you see in me the volume that I really hold to you?
Are the words and acts that you said and did the things you wished because of who am I?
Am I feeling the right feel that you trying to build in me?

Let this be the myth, the guess, the secret.
Let it flow in the river of my life.

I like you, mysteries.
#wink

- End -

No-sense (Song Story 1)

I turned my head and stares into the ticking alarm clock, realising that I woke slightly earlier than the alarm clock I set. Rolling myself into my soft blanket with the pillows around me. I turned my head to my left side, hmm.. where is he?

I comb my long fringe backward using my fingers, pulling my shirt that slight down from my shoulder. I walked out from my room, looking around for him. Then, I saw him sitting in the living room's floor. I went to his back and hug him from his back. I put my head at his shoulder, blowing my breath on his neck. How long we did not cuddle since he started this job. The job that leads him to million dollar's income per month. So, is that means that the job is more important than anything.. Or is it because we're just too stable in this 6 years relationship and we start not to worry about it anymore?

He sighed, without looking at me. Although we are just so near, but his heart is far like the stars that I couldn't hold. I hold on to my breath, close my eyes to avoid my tears from flowing to his shirt. He is too bright, too shine, too..perfect for my life. He shines bright in his way. Look at me, am I too dull to stay beside him..? Am I blocking his way to shine..?

Finally he speaks......."Dear, I'm gonna go for a meeting tonight, I will not be home for 3days okay?". Maybe I misinterpret, but I could say he is just informing, I could just cancel the question mark in his sentence. I sound softly, letting him know I get his message. My feeling was heavy, like the gravity just pulling me down to the earth and stop letting me to follow the stars in the sky.

I let go my hand that hugging him.. slowly I move myself away from him. Dear, I love you and I miss you.. 

I return to our bedroom, pressing the words in my heart that almost ran out from my mouth. I lie on the bed, tears dripped. I was afraid... afraid of losing the love we have. 

Maybe girl is just being sensitive, needing the feeling of secure.

When will be the last step you take, that leave me forever? Can you stay till our last breath, even we are fighting for the oxygen left on the earth?

Things and words just keep on running through my brain and then I cross it out again. Maybe, I just need to talk to him. These are part of the words that came to me in this one month, as he is just too busy to communicate with me, for almost half year i guess?

Suddenly, he walked into our room. I covered my face using the blanket and turned into side position. I wonder, do he really cared about me. He sat on the bed, next to me. He hugged me, which really surprised me, but as a stubborn person I don't react to his action. We are separated by a piece of blanket but at this moment.. I feel that our heart was just so close, like the first time we ever hugged.

I still keep quiet, but he started to speak.. and what's from his mouth made me cried.
"Dear.. I'm leaving by 8pm. This is the meeting that able me to adjust my working schedule for you. Dear, I love you.. I'm sorry that I might left you out for this half year, but I miss you every single time whenever I'm having a break. I know our love is strong, and I promise that I will hold your hand no matter what. You've been thinking about whether I will leave you or not right? I would say no. How can I let you have the opportunity to gasp for the oxygen left on the earth alone? I'm gonna fight for oxygen with you, until the last breath. Wait me home alright?"

He pulled away the blanket on me and kissed on my head. Our eyes connected after so long. He.. this man just answered all my doubt. I can't help hugging him harder than ever.

We hold our hand once again, walk to the most familiar mamak stall with my ordinary housewife look and his unordinary househusband look. I smelled love again.

A loud horn and a painful hit. I looking at him, he smiled.

"Will you marry me?".
"Yes I do".

We hold our hand harder before our last breathe.

"See you later".
" See you later, love".

That's our last conversation before we meet again, Afterlife.

- END-

Music listened while writing this story: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cFvLq3rPeTk

Out of me

*Never use google translate for mandarin blogs. Because it meant I don't wish to be understand. Thanks*

拼命的呼吸，拼命的活着。
我告诉我的心，没事的，可是它拒绝了。
原来……我并不好。

如果笑能证明我很好， 我肯定我现在非常的好。
可是，如果我眼睛不说谎，我相信事实并非如此。
事情的发生是不是暗示着我们在长大着？
还是我们在往后沉下？

时间煮雨，是否我们渐渐的消失了？
是否慢慢被遗忘了……
是否现在的泪水也会慢慢的蒸发？

你们，会不会就从我生活里蒸发了……
我们能保存的只是回忆。
而流失的，是捡不回来的故事。

而这些心里的刺儿们会不会消失？
贱人们会不会蒸发？

别想了，我的肩膀借给你……可惜说的人是我不愿意依靠的人。
别想了，让我抱一抱你……可惜我并不想投入你的怀抱。
别想了，会过去的……而我怕的是该过去的却不过去。

我累了……
是我吗？决定了快乐却又哭了。
以为哭了就能坚强，却更痛了。

————————————————————————————————————————

拉起被单，把自己抱着了。
我安稳了。

谢谢关心我的人们，有你们真好。
别离开。


-完-

Double Nerved

Smell the alien smell of this place, look around. Well, this gotta be my new room for the new semester huh. Is this a new start up of everything? Will I be a better person than before? Is this the fresh beginning of everything good? (Ya, I like to think that way.)

Cleaning up the alien place, well it finally smells a little like my own room now. Getting comfortable with the place right after 1 hour. Then, moving some of my daily use stuffs into the room. Aww, I'm finally trying to be independent (Noo, I brought my mom there too LOL).

Thinking about new university life in the new city campus gotta be so fun and exciting. Happily walking to the class together.. Get to use the new lecture hall, hopefully a well-functioning projector, nice chair also a nice writing table!

Then, I saw some pictures posted by our lecture.. Oh no, I see no table! Am I going to use my lap as a table? Nah, is okay.. Who cares, if there is good functioning facilities.. ESPECIALLY CLEAN WASHROOM, I would be happy! Things get more and more exciting.. until.....

My friend asks me, am I going out for lunch and dinner everyday. I stunned. Yea, I do know how to cook, but I don't wish to cook at there. My friend asks me, am I going to wash my clothes or bring it home. I stunned again! I do not have enough clothes, so I  do need to wash it myself.

Oh no, I felt I'm so dependent all this while. Mom is the one who always do for me. Living without her makes me so emotional, thinking about how heavy was her job at home, as a full-time housewife. Started to appreciate every single thing she did for me. Was it late?

But, at the same time, now I can do some part for her, minimize her job-load, right? Hoping that 20 years wasn't too late to do something for her and papa.

Well, I do feel down a little. No one gotta wake me up if I overslept like my mom do. No one gotta listen to my daily story like my mom do. No one gotta let me be like a little girl like mt mom do. No one gotta mumble things I did like my mom do. Nobody.

The exciting x down mixing kind of feeling makes my cells acting so abnormal. How fast I can adapt to everything? One week will do right?

Good that I see things from this happenings. God, thanks for making me appreciate more and more in my life. I like this planning. Thank you.

-END-

Time Alone, walk with yourself.

"Expressing.. expressing.. expressing.."
The word is running in my mind again and again. No matter what's your idea and no matter what'd inspired you, what ends up is what you've expressed. Expressing wasn't as easy as I thought, well it might not be as complicated as I thought too.

Here come the flashbacks of performing. I was on the stage, spotlight was on me and I'm the only one who focused by 200 pairs of eyes. They said, hug the stage and make it yours and perform like what you are, because you're the only star shining at the second. I shivered before moving my first step onto the stage...... "Can I make it?"

Heart beating 100km/h kinda speed that gonna kill me anytime. Sweat like the fast flowing waterfall and any second may flood the hall. #maybe thats just a wrong thought and estimation as I'm too nervous# Yea, so times really flies, I just step onto the stage, blablabla, not focusing, not realising, not breathing perhaps? I'm done.

The echo of claps was filled. I take my steps and bow.

Well, am I expressing myself? Am I expressing my art? Actually no, I'm just doing for the sake of doing it because I do not have a chance to run away from this. To be true, I don't even know what am I doing on the stage. People just clap for the sake of ending a performance. "LOL"

Then.. what's expressing?

Somehow, I think that expressing is based on a strong base - Confidence. Trust in yourself is so important. Only when you trust what you know, what's your idea, what you wanna bring to the audience, what you've got and lastly is that you can make it.

Without that GODDESS CONFIDENCE, whatever you have is nothing because what people can only see and appreciate is what you showed. You are the one who shows the "POSSIBILITY" of something.

Sometimes, I may find that life is about proving and proving. Making trust and making promises to come alive.

Be confident to stand as who you are, be confident to fall and stand up again. Human makes mistakes but jusy promise to learn from it, then it shall be fine. Be confident, is the basic of trusting yourself. If you don't trust yourself, who will?

Yeah, undeniable, I'm afraid of failure too. Who cares? Failure is the only thing that make us uniquely standing and making us special and view things at different perspectives from others. Why not we make these mistakes once so that we are filled with experience? Don't you heard the old words said that "experience is priceless and it is uniquely captured that not everyone can own the same one"? *wink*.

So, trust yourself, express yourself, show up! You'll be the best in your world.

(Express yourself, out of nobody to somebody in your world)

-END-

人生没方程式

写了又删， 删了又写。

我连自己都怀疑了。

我这复杂的心情，是自己给自己添的吧？

是不是原谅别人放过自己就没事了呢……

是不是不计较不去在意就开心没事了……

是不是沟通好来就会顺顺利利，是不是减少说话就安全了？

原来自己都没发觉没想过，就认为做好自己就会没事……

认为自己那样就成熟不幼稚。

呆呆的认为能改变些什么。

却往往忘记了，有些事情无法老往自己怪去。

我们都是人，可并不代表我们就一样了。

有的感觉根本就跟自己超像，超级合得来，

啊结果还不是走着走着不小心走散了么？

有的感觉根本不搭，

结果吵下吵下就走在一起，怎推都推不开吗？

活着没有方程式，我们都无法计算。

无法肯定……

唯独尝试，也许试着试着就对了，

错了更好，那就换一换吧，有新方法，可以解解闷。

至少，努力过。

-完-

To the point

She likes to say "so?"
She likes to say "then?"
She likes to say "Main point?"
As the accompaniment to these words..
She likes to use the unacceptable face when asking, with the highway's wind kind of pitch and tone.

If wanna make life straight to the point, being super direct to get a conclusion.
Your life is dead.
Because every start already meant an end.
You're born to die ;)

If wanna fast forward everything, you're dead.

Sayonara.

Ouch, human.

Look human, talk human, listen human and contact human.

We couldn't avoid.

Lots of thoughts came into my mind.

About good and bad, but still about acceptance.

Is low acceptance a "no-good" thing?

Still.. it's an acceptance of acceptance.

Here's a topic I heard.. She's being so direct!

That's rude..

That's hurtful..

I hate it..

Here's another topic I heard..

She was so indirect, that makes things unclear!

Ya, she is so hard to understand!

She's fake..

She doesn't even be true to us.

Haha, suddenly thinks about, how a human can be a human?

One couldn't fits into every single frame of situations.

It was hard.

Human was hard..

But doesn't mean there's no solution for this..

We can either choose people who can accept us,

OR.. go home cry to mama..haha (kidding)

Or.. we change the way we speak and try to fit.

Undeniable, direct was hurt.

It's a stab right in front of the eyes.

However, you can know who is the killer.

Instead, a smile to you, and a stab behind you.

You will end up knowing nothing.

Nah, still human is hard.

Be as simple as you can.

Life was for you to hold, not split.

-END-

Something to Remember - Rays of Humanity and Love

At this era.. without mobile phone is like evaporate from the earth.
Reach no one, and no one can reach you.
This is what I've experience today.

The ray of humanity and love are something made the earth alive.
It reaches through our eyes then into our heart.
This is what I felt today when I'm comparing today with yesterday.

Hmm.. which to tell first?
Right, everything starts..

Rushing and forgetting everything were my talents.
Today I forgot about my phone, until I thought about checking my to-do-list in my phone==
So, well.. I totally forgot everything and couldn't reach my friend.
I was worry.
Since when the phone has become part of my brain, like a memory card in my body.
Without the phone, I'm like a blind person who are finding the way out to reach the light.

Then, I reach some people, trying to borrow a phone so that I could contact my friend.
(You know, now we hardly find public telephone)
So, it's harder than I thought to borrow a phone from some people.
Until I met a kind young Malay lady who is working at Giordano.
She was kind enough to lend me her phone.
Although I offer her some money for the phone calls I've made, but she rejected.
Although she was rushing to go back for work, but she is kind enough to wait for me.
I really appreciate her help today, thank you so much, girl.

A day before today, I've just experienced some darkest side of human's heart in the world.
Which trying to crash my naive beliefs.
I only see how ugly human can be.
How much I felt disappointed at them..

Not until today I met someone nice.
Which makes my trust and faith towards human returned.

Thanks God for making these life scenes for me to learn and appreciate.
I wish I would make other people's day too.
Because everyone has the power to change.
Making the world a better one.

-END-

The rejected item

Walk in the mall, and I saw a shop call "The Reject Shop".
I walk-in and have a look at clothes they are selling.
They look beautiful, just some of it has a little small flaw.
Anyway, it is acceptable.

I wonder why people reject these stock and make them here?
Is flaw a fault?
Is perfect forever..?

These clothes are so "low-confident",
they look like they don't really trust themselves anymore,
because they are rated as a reject stock.

Somehow, I feel this way too.
I felt like I'm always rejected.
The main reason that I realise is.. my family, especially my closest family member, mom.

She is good, caring, love me much.
She teaches me how to be responsible, hardworking, etc.. too much to say.

As a kid, I wanted to give/do something for her as the "act of kindness",
be a good daughter that she will appreciate and glad to have.
Try to be respect,
try to be caring,
try to be loving..
BUT.. What hurt the most is.. she won't see it.
I don't feel she sees it..(When I'm young)
I feel like, if she sees it, she will act like how the cartoon movie shows..
At least one appraisal, a hug, or a kiss on my head.

But.. NONE.
In the other way round,
Mom and dad magnified my mistakes.
Yes, now when I look at the old times, I feel there is a need to teach me what is good and bad.
However, I do not feel that there is a need to magnified my mistakes to the outsider.
Maybe they think that showing it out will make me change my mistakes quickly.

BUT..... too bad, this only hurts me.

20 years, with 15.5years memory in my head.
I'm clear about these.
I couldn't voice it out..
Pa, ma.. I'm tiring.
Do I ever shine in your eyes?
Do dark always more convincing than the bright..?

I don't wish you to praise me all over the world like the other parents do.
I don't need you to see only good things in me.
But, I need some of your support in the path of doing good.
At least a "thank you".. At least a hug..
Maybe just tell me that, I really do good.
Once in a blue moon..
I don't even mind.

Because you all are the people I trusted the most.
Without your support, it makes me feel like I wasn't worth anything.
Make me feel like the clothes in the reject shop..
Make me feel so rejected.

Although outsider do praise me..
But, they will never raise my confidence.
I need you.
It's just like I praise those clothes in the reject shop.
But those clothes will never return to the original shop.

I'm thinking....
If now you all changed, started to appreciate what I did by showing it out,
will it make a change in me?
Or.. is it too late?

I have to pluck the root that absorbed my confidence out from my body by myself.
Dear God, please assist me in this..
Thanks God..... :')

-END-

Tiny but HUGE, you don't know.

We are so big yet so small.

When we are standing on the dust,
we find ourselves so big, so huge.
When we are standing on the earth,
we find ourselves so small, so tiny.

Illusions make me thinks that huge means everything,
Giant can do bigger things than the tiny one can do..
Suddenly thinks that,
we are just too small to make an effect.
But when we ZOOM out from..
the earth > the galaxy > the milky way..
I feel like I'm just a dust!
A dust that is small and unseen.

... ...

Suddenly, I felt an "ouch" on my foot.
I sat on the floor, look at my foot..
I see nothing but I feel the achiness and itchiness.
Then, I see an ant climbing on my foot.
I just use my thumb to press on it, yea, like what I expected, it died.
I swept it away from my foot.

Then, I started to realise how huge I am..
and how a small and tiny thing can make an effect on me.
Who said that small = nothing?
Who said that huge = powerful?
The effect of that small ant makes the noise and mini chaos in me,
I can't stop scratching my foot, even I'm wearing my shoe, I feel like taking it off and scratch.

I started to feel that, no matter how huge or how tiny we are, we will bring effects on one another.
We may think that the small little thing we did may not mean anything or bring any effect.
BUT, we may not know how powerful our action can be..
It's just like our effort in anything.
We may think what we did is just too small and do not make things out,
BUT, we do not realise how that "little" things may make out something "big".

Yes, sometimes effort will not equal to the outcome,
which make us feel so small and invisible.
What if, you stop putting in any efforts, and see how it can affect the outcome?
Can you see the effect now?
Yes.. we aren't that tiny.
The small things we did, can change the earth, the galaxy, even the milky way.

Tiny doesn't mean nothing,
Huge doesn't mean everything.

We are powerful.

-END-

Go ahead

Egg came first or the chicken came first?

It rain first only it form a cloud or it form a cloud only it rain?

You are the cause of problem or the problem is the cause?

I'm low confidence since young or it was built later?

"Hey.. I'm Hui Xuan, a Malaysian, turning 20.

I'm studying Corporate Comm.

I'm a part-time music instructor.

Currently joining a music event company.

And I.....love arts, especially drawing."

"Ow, hey, why you love arts so much but you don't embrace it?"

"You love corporate comm?"

"Wow, you must be great in music aren't you?"

lalalala... yeap, questions over and over again.

Thanks to myself who chose the path.

These are questions I often heard, and I do ask myself..

"Do I love what I'm doing right now?"

"I don't know.."

Roll my brain juice back to the origin..

I'm asking almost everyone do I suit to do these or that..

I just need confirmation so so so much.

I couldn't express myself and be daring to choose what I really want.

(Arts is the only place where I trust myself so much)

I care. I care how people view me.

I'm more like showing what I do, instead of doing it for myself.

Even if I doing for myself, I need other's confirmation..

I'm limited.

I'd put myself into a cage.

A cage which depends on how people dip me into the water..

How deep they dip, how fast I die in the way they like.

Until someone told me..

"Huixuan, you really need to trust yourself and your ability.

You are unique on this earth... Please do for yourself in this short life..

Leave no regrets. Continue to build the uniqueness in you."

Yea.. how many tons of regrets I left in the past?

How many times I've let go the chance for the best me?

When I'm willing to stop my eyes from looking for confirmation and just start doing the best for myself?

I'm 20, let say I can live up to 70..

I left 50years..

How many times more I can waste in my life..?

Maybe, this is the best time to rearrange myself for the best future.

Maybe it's time to rain to form the rainbow..

Give up the clouds to turn into rains and get myself a rainbow.

Good Luck Hui Xuan,

All the best..

Hope to see your growth in near future.

With Love,

20 years old Hui Xuan.

-END-

To the me

Hey, you are reading 20 years old Hui Xuan's blog.

Hello elder Hui Xuan,
How are you..
Wondering how you've become.

Are you still lack of confident?
Are you still boyish?
Are you still sensitive?
Are you still feel the same like me now?

I hope you don't.. or better words would be.. I hope you're good.

Can you tell me is choosing Corporate Comm is the right choice you've made?
Do you still loving arts?
Are you a music instructor still?
How you went through all I've to go through now?

Tons and tons of question, I wanna ask you.
Paths and paths, I'm lost..
How could I meet you.. or will I meet you in future?

I start to wonder.. will you exist in future.
A person like me, will I succeed to meet you?
Am I getting stronger and growing into you?

Hui Xuan, if you exist..
I thank you for never giving up on me.
If you exist, I know I will do all these.
If you exist, I know that I will succeed.
If you exist...

I will not give up, I will chase you at your back, run to the future and get you.
You may run even faster.
I believe I can chase you.
I will meet you soon.
See you!

By,
20 years old Hui Xuan

-END-

Floating creature in the ocean

A special creature,
without eyes, nose or lips,
without legs or hands.
It floats with the dancing laces under it,
from the top it looks like jelly,
from far it just looks cute and sweet.

(Retrieved from: http://images1.nick.com/nick-assets/shows/images/spongebob-squarepants/flipbooks/jellyfishing-with-spongebob/jellyfishing-fun-2.JPG)

Friendly and cheerful are what I used to describe it.
It looks so beautiful and clear,
like no secret is hidden.

Encyclopedia breaks my heart,
Jellyfish is so dangerous.
They contain high voltage,
they can kill you if you touch them.

They aren't what I imagine.

In opposite,
they are just so sensitive.
They wasn't friendly...
They aren't.

Somehow, it just like human.
They may seem so nice to us,
until we get to know them,
until something happened only we know the real them.

But, in other way,
it is just self-protecting.
Like human,
showing self-protect and self-esteem.
People around might hurt,
but if they don't self-protect,
who gonna protect them or respect them I wonder?

Again,
it may seem good, but it might be bad.
However,
it may seem bad, but it is reasonable. 

Jellyfish is born to be that way.
But, what makes human from them is that..
Experiences (past) are what make us today.

-END-

Bing Bong Bang

We are walking,

hand in hand.

Think it would last,

maybe forever.

We started as three,

joking, reading, laughing,

from Monday to Friday,

sometimes even Saturday.

We are different,

she is good at sports,

he is good at study,

I am good at drawing.

We are still walking,

but here comes separation,

we insist to stick,

we came UTAR hand in hand.

Life destination set,

foundation separated us,

but our heart never,

we run towards future.

Life's ups and downs,

 lifting and dropping us,

she failed and we passed,

here is where she stopped.

Degree life here to greet,

he went Kampar and I stayed,

she is the one who we failed to contact,

she gone.

Now we knew,

relationship is what she chose,

not us but the guy,

our friendship sinks.

We miss her,

but broken is broken,

goodbye is written,

but memories stayed.

You see something but not

Things weren't be just what you see.

A pen might not be just a stick with ink.

A paper might not be just a thin and fragile sheet.

A rubbish bin might not be just a storage of unwanted stuff.

Pen may be your memory recorder.

Paper may be your prove certificate.

Rubbish bin may be keeping things you ever need.

We never know what we actually are.

We see, we hear, we judge.

We talk, we discuss, we judge again.

We interact, we judge once again.

People look at me and said..

She looks "cheerful, hardworking, talkative, talented"

People who talked about me said..

She is "strict, sensitive, kind, stressed"

People interact with me and said..

She is "soft-hearted, pessimistic, over-worried, forever-dilemma"

What they see might not be what I really am.

What I really intended might not be what people received.

You don't know that I don't know that you don't know.

I don't know that you don't know that I don't know.

We might be good but viewed as bad.

We might be bad but viewed as good.

I'm not talented in music,

but because of a paper certificate that prove me, I viewed by others as talented.

I'm not cheerful or optimistic as they thought, deep inside I'm low in confidence and pessimistic.

Judging is not our job.

Judging is not a paid job, but people are willing to do so.

You may say you don't but don't tell me you never judge a person is a girl or boy when you are calling him or her as a "miss" or a "mister", HAHAHA

Unless you say you are paid to judge like an examiner, a lecturer or whatsoever.

Yeah, we judge..

Is it a bad thing?

We tend to misunderstand people.....

BUT.. without judging will be even worse right?

We will not be able to make decisions.

Well, world is always two-faced.

The bright and the dark, the shallow and the deep.

Without "this" we will not compare "that".

Without differences, we cannot see anything.

Because of something, therefore here is something.

Same as human.

It all just proved that we are somebody because there is nobody.

-END-

Night sky

Lying on the fresh green garden which I see them as dark blue,
with my head facing up to the sky which I see them as dark blue..
The looks so cheerful in the morning, and now they're just so cool.
The little grass which looks cute and soft in the morning are poking my back now.

I guess I'm lucky enough to grasp the fresh air, with the accompany of moon and stars.
It proves that I'm still alive.
And I wanted to do this once a week, to spend my time with myself, only myself.

So, I do this every Friday night as it seems to be the only day I can make it.
At first, I only see stars and moon.
I always able to see them.
So I started to look for shooting stars and aeroplanes,
because I find them harder to be seen.

Aeroplanes are easier to see, so I changed my target to the shooting stars.
I only want to see the shooting stars.
So my mission for the night is looking for shooting stars.

One Friday night, I saw shooting star.
I was so happy.
The surrounded stars became transparent to me.
All I see, all that I remember is just that shooting star.
It gave me hope.

But.. after that I never see the shooting star anymore.
I only realise the beauty of the stars in the sky.
And what makes me forget about them is just a shooting star that show up for 3 seconds.

It's like my life.
Maybe.. our life.

We tend to forget about people who are around us,
silently, quietly, unconditionally staying with us.
They care us, love us, help us..
But what we only see is the things we couldn't get.
Maybe the "someone" who don't even appreciate us.
We do so much just to get something that might not be ours.
We left those beautiful angels in our lives aside and chase for the star in our eyes.

In the path of life, we never realise until we lose the shooting star.
We only turn our head behind, see all the dropping stars around us.
They are still there, hoping the best for you.

"Here, I wanna thanks these stars that stay for me.
My family - Papa, Mama, and my brother.
My friends - the two Sakais I meet every day, and some friends that care for me (You know who you are)
Some people like.. my teachers, some strangers who show up care to me."

Some of them might just shine once in my life,
but I do see it.
Thanks every star in my night sky.
I may not see every of you clearly.
But, I still wanted to say..
Thank you.

(Retrieved from https://boundlessjourney.files.wordpress.com/2015/02/luna-moon-and-stars.jpg)

-END-

Oil + Water

Ever wonder why some of us will never be friends even though we did not hate each other.

Wondering why sometimes things just can’t be mixed?

Why some of us manage to do so for the beginning, but after some time, we failed.

Why some of us try hard but we still out-group?

Is it the matter to do with ourselves? 

Yes, it might be.

But, what if it wasn’t...

Just like oil and water will not mix together, no matter how hard to mix them.

Try to blend, stir, shake, and whatsoever, they will never mix.

The oil will always separate from the water and float on top of water.

They're "born" to be that way.

So, are humans born that way also?

How about... we can mix with others at first but after quite some time, our relationship faded?

Is it like the making of milo drinks?

We may mix the milo with water, they do mix well.

But after a moment, without stiring or touching, the milo will sink to the bottom of the water.

They know each other, but they are no longer mixing together.

Relationship does fade when we are no long putting effort in making it. 

Do we really born that way?

If you ask me about this, I would say.. it might be YES.

Not everyone will be born like "perfectly-sociable" medium.

Even the breathing air may get in "conflict" with friction of the woods in creating fire.

No one will be perfect and get social with everyone.

No one will get to be friend with everyone.

It all depends on who are you dealing with..

Everyone is different.

Accept the fact that water may not mix with oil.

Look from the other sides, we are born to be mix with someone who we can.

To be simple, water can be mix with water.

At least we can mix with the milo for awhile.. right?

Appreciate is what we can do, no matter you're the oil or water.

We will be accepted and be loved by someone in our life.

-END-

Life as a Chemistry

Chemistry is about what?
Solution A + Solution B = Explosion?
Is it about medicine? Engineering? Only thing to do with scientist?
Chemistry is like everything in our live, don't you think?

I see Chemistry as us.
We are just like the particles that react with each other in a medium (earth).
Some of us collide when meeting others, some of us stay and stick together.
Life is all about Chemistry.

Like the basic of Chemistry,
We can always be a "Proton"
(Proton is a positive charges particles)

(Retrieved 1 March 2015, from:  

http://lawrettaedward.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/chemistry-quotes-mi4o4gt9.jpg)

And, to balance and make things neutral, we need some Electrons (negative people) as well.
Things might seem negative, but we need the negative and the positive together to make a neutral life.

Anyway, talk about balance...
One of the chemistry questions we always face in secondary school is equation balance.
Which means, we have to balance the equation.

2 C₂H₆ + 7 O₂ ---> 4 CO₂ + 6 H₂O

Look at the equation above, both sides of the equation doesn't look the same at all.
BUT, they are balanced.
It's just like us.
We see the situation and try to fit ourselves in.
We change they way we behave depending on our surrounding.
We will adjust ourselves to balance.
Although we have to change into other "form", but we will do it.
It's like in the working place, though you might don't like the others, you will still change in order to survive.

What if we don't even want to change ourselves?
It's just like choosing to have a chemical reaction with the others.
Let's react and cause a flame, an explosion or an ugly smell.
We can make the situation ugly.

But we are really lucky.. We are not really chemical substances..
We have the choice to CHOOSE.
We can make a change.
We can avoid.
Why make things worse when we can choose to be better and balance?

Life is just like Chemistry, but we can make a change.


-END-

Plastic bag

People were born differently, unique, special..
Some people were born to be the spotlight that shines bright everywhere,
Some of them are more like invisible plastic bags,
Some of them were just so talented,
Some of them were just ordinary.

In my point of view, I feel I'm spotlight and plastic bag in the same time.
Sometimes I shine, sometimes I'm totally invisible.
When there are 5 persons in a group or above, I automatically switch into "plastic bag" mode.
I don't feel belonged.
I feel more like an out-group.
I'm turning into an option button.
I try hard, but my voice was only listened by myself.
Maybe my fear speak louder than my voice.

Is it my own problem in turning myself into plastic bag?
Or is it people around there speak louder than me that turn me into plastic bag?
Am the "need of belongingness" in me too strong?
Why am I always the "options button" to be pressed?
Why even I put them as my prior, but I'm still invisible?

Am I the problem?
Maybe.

Am I someone who likes to be the focus all the time?
NO, I don't.

I just want to feel belonged, at least to be somebody, just somebody.
I don't wish to shine just when some problems occur.
I don't wish to be invisible when happiness is there.

However, should I feel good to be an option button?
It means that I don't have to be too worry about things that going around?
Means I have more time to spend with myself and my family?

Love is happiness, happiness is belongingness.
Love is all about "give and take".
I will give love to people who deserve,
See people who see me, love people who love me.

Maybe I'm just too care about things that I shouldn't.
Maybe I'm shining in some people's eyes, who knows?

Box

*Before reading this blog, I wanna mention that the "we/us" inside this passage does not refer to everybody. Thank you*

We are born with brain.

We think, we express, we are creative.

Yes, we are creative, and it started to drop when......

We know rules, norms, and perceptions in the society.

We scare people will label us as "weird"..

We are being controlled and practiced to do things in a particular way..

WE ARE ALL indirectly FIXED by the society.

We are limited in a box, where we do not know how to walk out from the box.
An invisible box.

Where can you see the invisible box?

Look at the child who are sitting for exam, schema of exam is controlling the way they answer.

Look at the child who has to color "people" in orange or peach color instead of purple color.

Look at the child who once said wants to be a garbage collector and the adult banned. 

There are so many lines blocking us to get out from the box.
Line that limit ourselves,

Line that make us fear,

Line that set by the society.

The elder we grow, the more we have to behave.

Behave in the limitation that was set.

Do you feel it?

Yes, I blame the society for limiting our creativity,

They insert too much limits to the box we stay.

End up, we couldn't think out of the box.

However, in another way, it is just some guidelines in our life.

Basic guidelines and ideas that lead us in our life,

It can be inspiring.
It is like a small seed that plant into our brain and it can be grown into flowers of creativity.

Believe that without these small seeds they planted, we might not able to think.

How can we think when we don’t have info and knowledge?

Without the society, without something, how the kids think?

When there is no input, how they process the output?

The norm in the society is something to learn, inspire to be creative,

But it is also the line that limit the thinking.

We scare to think, we scare to try.

You Only Live Once.

Let's step out!

-END-

I'm Not Car with 2.0cc Engine

Engine in a car determines how fast it can run.
It determines how well it can perform.
There is no way for a car to perform 200km/h speed by using a 1.0cc engine.
It can try hard, strive all the way to that speed, but it will never perform well at that speed.

What is the difference between human and car is their flexibility.
Human can strive and improve their performance and ability to do something.
Car's ability was fixed once they're produced.
They can either maintain or drop their performance only.
So, because I'm a human, I'm striving to achieve something out of my ability.

I strive hard, try hard, work hard..
In Assignments, Works, Performances, Music Exams, and etc.
Roles and roles that I have to improve on.
But among all, performances and musics are the things I strive the most.
I don't feel like a human when I'm doing these, I feel more like a car.
I feel limited, I feel limited by the engine I'm born with.

Expectation from others always makes us try harder and harder.
However...
How could I run like a 2.0cc car when I'm just with a 1.3cc engine?
Ability is what we born with? Or gained?
How flexible can we stretch?

After a moment of digesting (as a human)..

Ability that was born is called TALENT.
Ability that we gained is call HARDWORK.
But....
Sometimes, my hard work will never pay off.
My hard work wasn't seen.
People around will still "complain" about me.

Is it because of I'm not trying hard enough?
Or.. It is just something that is totally out from my ability?
Maybe, it is not part of me.

I'm 1.3cc car, I just want to live a life.
An achievable life.

-END-

What did I did

19 years, 9months and 21days of living a life.

I was once a person who clear like a plastic bag.

Direct, straightforward, expressive, ambitious..

Until the friction of life turn me into a paper.

A paper plane without direction, a paper car that don't know how to move.

Living a life of pleasing people, living up to other's expectation.

Without other's confirmation, or a nod, I couldn't proceed with what I had.

Just because of....

Don't want to loss any friend, I have to put time to interact with them, laugh at topic that I'm totally out of.

Don't want to get scold by music teacher, I continued to play all the songs that I hate.

Don't want to get my family worry, I have to hide all my feelings and hurts I get from outside.

To make people in my life stay with me, I chose to live my life up to their expectation.

To make everyone accept me, I changed myself too much, until I lost myself.

I wear a lot of masks, until I forgotten who am I.

I dare not chase my dream,

I dare not perform myself,

I dare not trust myself.

After 19 years of living, after my brain, my heart and my body stayed together for so long..

They don't even believe each other. Haha.

They (I) choose to trust outsider, but not themselves (myself). Why?

Where I lost myself?

There are too many masks, and I can't find my original face..

If there is a new mask, I hope I won't take it anymore.

Please don't try too hard on wearing a mask already, my dear, you're precious and unique as you are.

God customize the special one and only you, don't take too many masks that weren't born with you.

The original me, please come back. I miss you.

-END-